56 year old working mother of two’s morning routine:
Get out of bed at 0520 after a typically menopausal night of insomnia.
Unable to find dressing gown as teenager has nicked it and despite furtling in the dark cesspit of her room whilst she slumbers on, cannot locate it amongst the widely scattered detritus.
Put on husband’s (who is off doing an 800 mile six week walk) dressing gown.
Locate odd fusty smell following me around to said dressing gown and immediately divest myself of it and put it in washing machine – ew.
Make pot of tea.
Let dogs out of run, walk them round garden and poo pick lawn.
Pick up wriggling spaniel for a cuddle and get kicked in eye making me temporarily blind and nauseated
Unceremoniously drop spaniel.
Water greenhouse.
Refill bird baths and hen water bowl.
Wipe dogs’ feet and put them in lovely clean kitchen where they immediately shed vast quantities of hair and drop assorted pine cones, sticks and dried hen poo that they have picked up in their mouths from the garden.
Let hens out of shed.
Count hens.
Return to shed and hoof out broody hens prompting much huffy clucking and feather rustling.
Collect eggs.
Sneak a peek at blackbird nest in shed now containing four fat and fluffy chicks.
Go back into kitchen to drink tea.
Alerted to horrendous poultry neglect by outraged tapping on the French windows.
Take bag of porridge oats and scatter it on patio for the fat and overfed feathery gits.
Shout at teenager to get out of bed.
Shower, dress and breakfast.
0730 Go to work.