Just had the shortest swimming session in history. Was halfway down my second length when a lifeguard started jumping up and down, shouting and pointing at me. Was a tad concerned that I had unwittingly shed the bottom half of my swimsuit as I dived in, but on careful self-frisking I seemed to have adequately covered nether regions. It transpires that a small person has barfed in the pool during her swimming lesson and everyone has been ordered out and the pool is shut for disinfecting. Changing room hell has followed with every small, damp local child and their parents battling it out in tiny cubicles. I’m hiding in mine till they’ve all gone.