Category: Uncategorized

Is playing insomnia poker. Reluctant to go to bed unless completely knackered. Has folded washing and unloaded dishwasher. Has hot milk with Baileys. Every other living being in the house is fast asleep. Watching McMafia and propping my eyes open. Do not want to see 2am, 3am, 4am. 5am I could handle. Waiting for past midnight before attempting to fool my brain into sleep. Crossword next. Middle age sucks sometimes. Menopause always does.

Who’s bloody idea was it to leave our gargantuan Xmas tree up till now because it seemed a shame to take it down?

Oh. Mine.

Have just spent the best part part of two hours trimming it down with secateurs (causing each branch to immediately jettison all its needles), manhandling it out of the door and down the garden in the dark and then clearing up the mountain of needles left behind on the carpet. 
This part of the operation necessitated multiple unblockings of the Dyson which consisted of dismantling, disembowelling, Dynorodding and what can only be described as colonic irrigation of the bastarding machine to get the repeated log jams of needles from the varying combinations of tubes, orifices and brushes. I used attachments I had no idea I possessed and discovered fascinating (and frankly lethal to one’s extremities) internal workings (Must remember to unplug it before sticking my fingers in it..)
Our hall has now been reclaimed, the dogs have emerged from their hiding places and the Dyson finally reassembled for the nth time.
I have needles in my hair, up my nose, in my ears, in my socks and inexplicably, in my pants.

I have a feeling my offspring may be regretting the “joke” stocking filler present they gave me this year. I have loaded all 5 CDs of the 70s disco compilation into my car and now spend my journeys singing word perfect and very loud accompaniment to the magnificent garbage that was the soundtrack of my teens. As I yell along to “Disco Tex and the Sex-o-Lettes” and “Lady Marmalade”, I reminisce fondly about nights at the Walton Hop with my best friend, wearing a cap sleeved T shirt, Oxford bags (so flared that one could put an unfolded Daily Telegraph in the pocket on the legs) and some rather fabulous yellow, patent, platform clogs (so clumpy that each shoe had to be transported home from Dolcis in a separate carrier bag). The finishing touch was electric blue eye shadow applied with abandon. Ah, the memories.

Senior daughter back to university today.

I shall not miss:
Being unable to see her bedroom carpet for dirty/clean/strewn clothes
Endless washing
An empty towel cupboard with all radiators/chairs/beds/bannisters draped in damp towels.
Breeding dirty mugs/plates/glasses in her room.

I shall miss:
All of the above.

😞

Oh, Tesco. The minute the clock chimes midnight on Xmas eve, all the decorations (which have been up since Hallowe’en) are ripped down in favour of New Year’s fare, and now the Easter eggs are on the shelves.
I have, however, benefited from this pure market force consumerism by purchasing a wheelbarrow load of heavily discounted Christmas lights for next year’s tree in an attempt to avoid the annual fairy light disappointment i.e. the inevitable sudden malfunction of the bastarding things as soon as they are on the tree when they worked perfectly the year before.

Note to family. The dishwasher is not scary. It is not rocket science. It is also not a magic, self running or self emptying machine. It will not bite you if you put stuff in or take it out. It also works better if, when you do risk life and limb to put dirty stuff in, you add dishwasher soap and actually TURN IT ON.
*Sigh*

Lost half hours of one’s life that one will never regain: attempting return four lively ferrets to a shed that they have absolutely no intention of going back into. Think trying to put unwilling cat out from/into a room and shutting the door. Multiply that by four and add trouser leg climbing, multi pronged, synchronised and startling attacks from inside/under the dog kennel, finger nipping, mad ninja leaping and ferret on ferret stealth attacks. Think I could now take on and win against any nationality of insurgents single handed.