Category: Uncategorized

Oh dear. Just sent a text which should have said “..cleaning house…,” but my elderly eyes and fat fingers mis typed house and autocorrect inserted “Guiseppe”. Cleaning Guiseppe. Ok. Ahem. A bit of explaining required

Speed shopping at Tesco using the scan as you shop device. The main skill is juggling the scanner, the packing, my handbag and random texts arriving on my phone. Mid shop, it has become clear that I am trying to scan goods with my phone and the device is lurking unobtrusively, somewhere on the shelves where I have left it.

Old age and common sense has finally caught up with my subconscious. Dreamed I had a very hot date with George Clooney but at the crucial moment turned him down because I am married. Secretly quite proud of my integrity but when I told the husband he said “Do you expect me to feel grateful or something?” Huh, Men. He has no idea!

Major multitasking fail. Making my packed lunch and seem to have mislaid the packet of soup. After retracing my steps and checking the car, garage, hen house, fridge, downstairs loo, dog baskets, dishwasher and freezer, I strike oil – it is accompanying my smalls, midway through a 40 degree wash.

My dog walks are conducted with two mature labs who trot sedately and a young springer spaniel whose chosen form of locomotion is an array of happy, uncoordinated, random and explosive movements of the legs, head, tail, body and flappy tongue which mysteriously seem to propel him toward the general direction in which the rest of us are moving.

Deep and involved discussion about the ethics of organ transplantation, research into growing new organs, cloning etc. and why haven’t we evolved with spare organs in our bodies just in case? I point out that we do have one spare organ – we have 2 kidneys and only really need one. Junior Daughter “oh yes, like we have 2 nostrils!” Senior Daughter “and bum cheeks!” Well if you need a nostril or a bum cheek transplant, you know where to go.

Has never understood the strange and mysterious forces of nature that can turn a well stocked desk drawer of fully functional pens, rolls of sellotape, sharpened pencils and other useful items into a mass of dried up, lidless felt pens (in an arresting array of colours), blunt or broken pencils, defunct biros, grubby rubbers, a confetti of hole punch debris, used staples lurking in wait to pierce the soft bit of skin around the fingernail and, inexplicably, golf balls.

NO ONE PLAYS GOLF IN THIS HOUSE.

Sensing a pattern in birthday haul for this year after opening presents: Glittery earrings followed by a pair of very posh leather gardening gloves – what more could an old bird want on her birthday? However gardening gloves have been complemented by some memory foam knee pads to help my ageing knees and a day-glo yellow hat (presumably for the helicopter rescue team to find me when I fall over trying to kneel on my memory foam pads and end up hidden in the shrubbery). Oh well – at least I will still feel young and girly in my sparkly earrings as I am being winched to safety..

I recently experienced an in-depth and entertaining (if a tad disappointing) foray into the world of serious body shape wear. Once wrestled into, the bits contained are a little more svelte, however the bits around the edges seem to be making a frantic and very visible bid for freedom in all directions. The only thing which seems to do the trick is the whole body condom affair which would render my husband helpless with laughter and me into a state of near exhaustion after actually managing to get it on.