I am married to a retired man whose days are spent embracing the the great outdoors. He is an experienced deerstalker and is very enthusiastic about bringing the fruits of his labours inside to share with me.

He is also crap at DIY.

This morning whilst at work, I received an ominous WhatsApp message:

“I’ve been doing some imaginative kitchen DIY…….!”

“Introducing….the domestic drying appliance that no housewife should be without….”

Followed by the following photo…..

“Ta da! The Bra-ntler!”.

Alternately fascinated and frustrated by the way autocorrect handles my typos as my eyesight (eye tugboat) gets worse and my fingers (fib hears) get more clumsy (coinsy) with age.
It seems to be getting less and (that be getting Jess and) less intuitive and more and more random. I just texted my neighbour to ask if she could let dogs out next week because my normal dog walker is away. Seems I’ve told her I have a “fig washer”.

Bloody stupid technology (technoko). Ffs. (Fish).

Listening to Saturday Live on R4 this morning, they had a quizmaster on as a guest and were inviting members of the public to ring in with their funny quiz anecdotes.
A few quite amusing incidents were recounted but nobody mentioned my favourite ever which I witnessed on some random TV show many years ago..

Quiz host: “Name this legendary sports commentator”
(For the audience at home – Murray Walker – flashes up on the screen)

Female contestant: “…..”

Quiz host does a pretty accurate impression of said commentator.

Female contestant: “……”

Quiz host: “Famous motorsports commentator?”

Female contestant looking increasingly panicked : “……”

Quiz host: “You put it in your mouth” (referring to those famous pensioners favourite sweet “Murray mints”)

Female contestant, face suffused with relief and with not even a nanosecond of hesitation: “Dickie Davies!”

Retirement plans becoming clearer every day.
Happy early birthday present from ’im outdoors.
Superb day paddling upriver from Loch Insch and back in my new toy.
3 deg C to start with autumnal mist shrouding the Loch and river, clearing to a brilliantly sunny and clear day.
Saw 6 osprey circling and a covey of about 20 partridges exploded from the river bank and cannoned low across the river almost taking our hats off as they passed.
One unfortunate misjudged the trajectory, thunked into a tree and dropped, stunned into the water where it flailed about getting its bearings before pulling itself together and launching off after its mates.

The direct route from our house into the rest of the world is shut for three weeks for resurfacing, necessitating turning left instead of right and doing a loop round the village to get out. We live within the “access only beyond this point” zone so when I come out of our drive there are no signs to remind me. Every day I forget, and end up having to do a three point turn at the closure and go back.
I decided I needed to tape a “road closed” note to my dashboard.
Trouble is, I whenever I get into the house, I instantly forget about writing the sign and putting it in the car, so it hasn’t materialised.
I’ve just put an alert on my phone to remind me to write the note to remind me about the road closure.

Just need to remember to act on the alert when it pings, rather than my usual action of look at it, quiet it, then get distracted and immediately forget what it was I was supposed to do.

It’s all downhill from here….

In the process of registering as a guarantor for my daughters rented student accommodation in Edinburgh for the next year.
I’ve done this numerous times in England and it simply consisted of a questionnaire and bank details.
Scotland is a completely different kettle of fish.
So far I’ve had to provide the agency with comprehensive details of my income, employment, house ownership, proof of my employment by a referee, land registry details of house ownership, house insurance documents, a series of pay cheques, my bank details and am now awaiting results of a credit check.
All complicated by the fact that all my official documents are in my professional (maiden) name but the house is is my married name so I’ve had to upload the marriage certificate as well.
Just waiting for the next message demanding my enhanced disclosure, DNA, fingerprints, true hair colour, and any bad habits I feel I need to declare.
Jeez.
Think my clearance will be sufficient for MI5